She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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