I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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