I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
