I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
