If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
