took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
