you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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