Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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