I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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