The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
