I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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