Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
not ubering you a puppy
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
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