Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
