Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
