My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize
