So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Randomize
