I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
