Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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