This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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