M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
