I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
