i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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