I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
