The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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