Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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