I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
