no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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