grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
