after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
