peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
