mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
