____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
