I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
