insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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