Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
