is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
