I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
