I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
