Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize