So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
