this boner is exhausting
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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