You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
