Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
