i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
