Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize