I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
