No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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