last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
