I wish they made helmets for livers.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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