Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
