he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
