I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
