Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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