The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
