seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
