FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Alive.
So much puke
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
