Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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