I can tuck mytits in my pants
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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